So some of you keep asking me when I’m doing another blog post, and as much as I love you reading them, the truth is, I just haven’t been in the mood to write. Why? I wish I could tell you, come up with some simple legitimate reason like I’ve just been too busy or my laptop’s broken. But that’s not the case. The truth is the main reason why I started this blog in the first place. Which is ironic, to say the least. It’s like my brain goes “Let’s write a blog about anxiety and depression, get people talking about it, get it all out there, in the hope that people can relate, or understand, or even be helped.” Then typical anxiety creeps in, making me feel like I can’t possibly write, that I’m not good enough, and what’s the point anyway? And I guess what I want you to know, that this is what anxiety-depression-whatever does. Let’s call it ADW. ADW makes you question EVERYTHING whilst making you not feel bothered by anything at all. It strips away your passion, your motivation, your lust for life, and you’re just left feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Which is least to say, pretty shitty.
Even worse it makes you think that there’s no way out, that you have no control over this debilitating feeling and that you’re just stuck with it. Letting it ruin your life. In every aspect. You find yourself calling in sick to work, not going on that night out, not asking out that girl you like, not getting up until 4pm because you just don’t see the point. You find you’re just forcing yourself to do everything, going through the motions – go to work, meet up with that friend, chat to people that you work with. But it’s all so hard. And you wonder why you’re struggling so much. You watch people in TV programmes and in films and think that their character didn’t think twice about getting up that day and well, just be them for the day. They make it look so easy, just being them and dealing with life. And yes they’re just characters but you just can’t imagine Rachel from Friends feeling the ways you do.
But the worst thing I’ll tell you is how bloody lonely it makes you feel, and how hard it is for people around you to understand. When you eventually admit to your housemates how you’re feeling something that you can’t even describe, admit that you didn’t go into work today, not only does it make you feel even worse at how ridiculous you sound, but they sometimes just don’t understand or know how to help, or just say you’re lazy. And maybe you are, maybe you’re just one big lazy ass person who likes their bed too much. But that doesn’t explain the complete detachment you feel inside. This overwhelming feeling of ‘I can’t do life today’. And it’s not just because you’re in your twenties and don’t have a clue what you’re doing. It’s more than that.
So what can we do? What can the people who care about you do? I wish I had advice. I wish I had the answers. That you just take this pill in the morning and it equips you with everything you need to feel to be ready for the day, to take on the world. Something that completely gets rid of this horrible, crippling, perspective that’s just completely taken over.
That being said, I can’t explain it, but sometimes, just sometimes you feel okay. And you can feel yourself take back that control that ADW has hold of you. And that’s when you need to act. Talk to your best friend, write that blog post. Cook an omelette. Wash you hair. Whatever. Just something to make you feel like a normal person again. A happy person. Because you can be. It’s just taking back the control that ADW has got a hold on you. Maybe you can’t mentally change your mood, but you can change your outlook. Things really aren’t that bad and you HAVE got this.
I can’t express enough how much you need this reassurance. You can get your shit together. You CAN have a laugh with friends. You CAN go into work. You CAN enjoy dressing up as a duck. Despite what ADW is making you feel. You can beat it. And i’m not saying you’ll suddenly be rid of it, but maybe it’s about learning to manage it. And yes, not everyone will have to reassure themselves in the morning that they can take on the day, but just accept the fact that you do, for now. And that’s okay. Whatever it takes. Keep doing whatever you need to do, keep reassuring yourself, and who knows, you may look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about. (Let’s hope hey?)
Until next time,