Chaos

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you can physically feel the stress inside your head? You’re not necessarily thinking ALL the time, but it’s there – that mess in your head, and you can’t concentrate on anything else. You feel hungry but food doesn’t taste right. Your baked beans taste salty and your coke tastes stale.Things have changed and something’s not right, but you’re not in control of it any more. Or maybe you are, but your brain can barely function and you don’t even know any more. 

How much can one person cope with before they reach breaking point? People let things get on top of them all the time. And your first reaction is to be proactive. Arrange things. Sort out that job, do the research for that essay, or even worse, ESSAYS. Forget about your girlfriend. Except you can’t. Most things can be done, it’s just a question of doing them, but you can’t fix things with your boy/girlfriend just like ‘that’. Maybe you’ve agreed you both need a break, or one of you has had enough but the other can’t let go, or maybe you’re both just not happy but either one or both of you can’t bear to be without each other. Maybe you don’t even know what the situation is. Whatever the reason, you find your relationship is in limbo. And you can’t deal. You’re not even aware you’re thinking about it but you can’t do anything without it being on your mind.. like a big grey cloud following you around with rain, teasing you with a rainbow, that may or may not eventually appear. 
You have too many priorities at the moment and you start letting them slide.. then the guilt kicks in, and you start stressing over that as well. You try to focus on one thing, but it just doesn’t happen. As much as you try to concentrate, get into the mind set, you find yourself not being able to string sentences together. It takes you over two hours to write an introduction for an essay, that is quite frankly, turning you insane. Making you think about things in a way that almost make your brain hurt. You know you have a deadline, you know that you can do it, but you just can’t help thinking that everything is a mess. You’re living in complete chaos. It may seem calm on the outside, but inside you’re screaming. You think that you can focus on one thing at a time.. essay, job, relationship, but the truth is you can’t. It’s all going on at the same time, and affecting your ability to make any important decisions. About anything. 
You find yourself feeling out of character, you feel that any normal person would be able to cope with what’s going on. And normally YOU would. But even you don’t know what is best for you any more. Or even what you want. You have to take the good with the bad, but what do you do when the bad begins to outweigh the good? And the more you think about it it’s more your fault.. or is it? 
A relationship can only be fixed on both sides. You can’t just do something and it’s problem solved. You need to stop being selfish, change your perspective. it’s not just you in the picture any more. Maybe you have made mistakes, maybe you have interpreted situations and and acted wrongly. Maybe they’re saying the damage is done. But you don’t believe it. Because no matter how bad you think things are between you, you know that there is still hope. Not just hope for you, as a person. But hope that you can both be in the relationship you want. Together. And there you find your motivation. Because only when that essay is done and that job is saved will you feel yourself again to realize what you want, and sort it. For both of your sakes.
Like most things, it’s all about balance. Take things one step at a time, yes. But also keep in mind the bigger picture.. just don’t let it take over. I heard somewhere that apparently in the centre of a tornado, there’s nothing. Just calmness. We just need to find the calm within all the chaos, and stay there. At least until the storm passes. The dust will settle, sometimes it’s just a case of waiting it out. 
LM. 
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